Anne Ranch, a Real Senator, Is Going Viral on Instagram
When I tried to get in touch with Senator Anne Ranch, there was a bit of a delay. You see, her team had gotten themselves stuck inside of a car. This was just one of many challenges her “campaign manager” Charles Rogers has had to untangle over the past few weeks as the senator’s star has risen, thanks to her newly-activated social media presence.
Ranch—who may or may not be a fictional Instagram character composed of images of various female politicians with Steve Buscemi’s face PhotoShopped onto them—has gained over ten thousand followers on the platform since her first post back in July, and the response has been overwhelming.
“The fact that she’s a woman in STEM is one of many reasons I #stananne,” one commenter declared on a recent post.
“Will you replace Ellen [DeGeneres]?” another commenter asked.
“Senator Ranch,” a particularly chilling comment reads. “Care to comment on the report of missing persons in your rooftop hedge maze?
Rogers, who co-created the TBS-turned-HBOMax show Search Party, is the puppetmaster behind Ranch’s invisible strings, a job made more stressful by the fact that some of Ranch’s new followers include Demi Lovato (who also actively comments), Zachary Quinto, and Eat Pray Love author Elizabeth Gilbert. Then there’s the fact that keeping up with Ranch is no easy feat. She has a storied, mysterious career marked by feuds with presidential hopeful Joe Biden, a ride aboard the Dionysus Space Shuttle in 2002, and weekly celebrations of her birthday. Finally, there’s the question that her constituents won’t stop asking: Anne Ranch, will you run for president?
Anne Ranch, née Ranch
One of the major American political parties
First of all, how has your quarantine been? Have you taken up any hobbies like gardening or sourdough baking?
I appreciate this question. This time is a challenge to many of us. As my Pop always said, "When times get tough—take a shower." And to this day, I think that's wonderful advice (providing that you have a background of showering. Some communities exclusively take baths, others desire fresh water. I do not intend to overlook any parties who might feel uneasy around a shower system). For this reason, on the days when I feel like I've been glued to my laptop (I often glue myself to my laptop by accident), I decide to take a shower. On stressful days, I've been known to shower for up to five hours at a time, and luckily my husband Paul and I were angel investors in the American Heat Project, an organization that masters how to heat water for extended periods of time via clean coal, so I am able to keep my showers nice and toasty for hours on end. I recommend!
What made you decide to get on Instagram?
Thank you for this question. In 2010, I employed an award-winning social media consulting firm named Big Mouse who created the @officialanneranch account. It was the fourth account to join Instagram and we were proudly at the forefront of where the Internet was headed. Instantly, our team lost the password and it wasn't until this month that we were able to find the wet wipe that it had been Sharpie'd on to. Now it's time to catch up! We have 10 years of content to make up for!
This is a chance for your constituents to really get to know you. Can you briefly tell us how you became a senator?
I deeply value this inquiry. From the time that I was a baby, I knew I wanted to be a senator. I believe in this country. I believe that it exists and has existed and that it has a fixed geographical position on the planet. You can not convince me otherwise. Call it faith, call it patriotism; I just plain old believe that this country exists. And in response to your question of how I became a senator, it is a surprisingly easy process. Simply type in www.senate.gov and go to "create an account" and from there you have to fill out a quick form and hit "submit."
2020 is a volatile time in so many ways, but especially for politics. If you were president, how would you have handled the pandemic differently?
It's important to make space for questions like this, so I appreciate that. If I were to be perfectly honest with you, if I were president during this pandemic, I would be more stressed than I am now. Currently the pandemic affects me as much as it affects you or anyone else. If I were president today, I would be worried about the ways in which I would need to be responsible for handling the situation. I currently do not feel responsible for that.
Speaking of, have you ever thought about running for president?
I'm having mixed feelings about running.
What’s something about being a senator that people typically don’t know?
I appreciate this question. Being a senator is fun. It's a chance to hobnob with exciting folk, visit towns you'd never care to see otherwise, and go inside some buildings that most people only see the outside of. There are times when I am sitting on the senate floor, texting my constituents little messages like "How fun is this." I am in my lane.
You have a book coming out this September (9/11, specifically). What can we expect to read about in it?
Thank you for this. Unfortunately, Forks In The Road, my memoir (which took me six years to write over the course of 13 years) comes out on September 11th. I did everything but beg to have it changed to any other day. But ultimately the publisher was working around other books and kept repeating "I am not superstitious," to which I tried to emphasize that it wasn't about that. September is a nightmare for books, evidently. The book chronicles my life as I face decisions, obstacles, setbacks, choices, options, possibilities, alternatives, ways out, ways in, opportunities, preferences, variations, substitutions, distinctions, outcomes, incomes, settlements, resolutions, results, understandings, misunderstandings, accordances, beginnings, ends, delays, indefinitenesses, postponements, deferrals, waverings, indeterminations, refusals, agreements, compliances, compromises, concessions, mediations, reconciliations, accomodations, adjustments, and love.
Last question: What advice would you give to little girls who hope to one day be the next Anne Ranch?
I deeply value this inquiry. I urge young girls to wait until they are 18 years of age to change their names to Anne Ranch. Otherwise you need a parent or guardian to petition the name change for you. Some are not fortunate enough to come from homes where the parents are comfortable with their daughters changing their names to that of an esteemed senator until they come of age. Be patient with yourself and your family. The right time will present itself